[Leaplist] Linux Guy's Valentine's Day Mods

[Bryan J. Smith]

Top-post version ...

The key to any "event" with a significant other is _not_ necessarily
"planning" but "thinking early."  God knows I used to scramble on gifts,
often to disasterous (and costly) effects.  Over the years I've learned
to think of my wife early and often, typically searching for gifts 3+
months in advance, or planning events even farther out.

Ironically it's saved me far more money as well.

Women like to be thought of, considered, and generally "prodded" that
you are thinking of them.  It's easy to do that when ... well, ya
know ... but forcing yourself to consider all the things you take for
granted, almost daily, is something that should become "habit."  It's
actually easy once you start doing it, but realizing the importance of
doing it seems to slip with the duration of any relationship.

Some women do it to men as well, so it goes both ways sometimes.

My favorite thing of late is to get my wife a major present (doesn't
have to be expensive), and once I give it to her (possibly early), I
say, "that's it, this was really costly."  And then that's when she gets
hit with a thing or two later, plus another the day of.  Again, it
doesn't have to be costly.  In fact, after all her "big gifts" for
Christmas and Valentine's Day, I sent her a little box on Valentine's
Day.

Not delivered by FTL.  Not boxed by some artist.  Just a UPS delivery
from Wal-mart with nothing fancy, just a little gift card that said ...

  "Nothing says love is cheap
   Like imported gifts from
   The Walton Family"

Cheapest gift of all, probably of any that were delivered (let alone
shipped) to her office.  Yet everyone got the biggest kick.


Bottom-post version ...

On Thu, 2008-02-14 at 19:17 -0500, Derek Konigsberg wrote:
> On days like this, I wonder why most geeks >30 are happily married,
> many having been that way for a while, meanwhile most geeks <30 tend
> to be hopelessly single.
> Were woman in their 20's different 10+ years ago or something?

Hardly!  It's really on an individual basis.

E.g., my marriage is regularly commented on, sometimes even chastised,
by many, many people.

You see, I met my wife when she was 18, I was 20.  We've been together
now for almost 15 years.  For almost 15 years I've put up with the "you
moved too fast" or "you got married too young" -- including from my
mother (until it finally "hit" her one day that she now had a
daughter-in-law, long story).

My wife was a very, very mature young lady.  I noted that from the
start.  She was also very tolerant of my immaturity.  At the same time,
she noted my strength and ability to tackle any situation, much like her
own strength.  And she's been the guidance in focusing my strength on
what matters ever seen.

Over the years people have commented on how "different" she and I are,
backgrounds, professional goals, etc...  Our Zodiac signs don't like up
at all either, and are quite different.  But the reality isn't what
everyone says, it's about what matters to us.  And no one gets between
our bond, period, nada, never.


On Thu, 2008-02-14 at 23:44 -0500, Steve Litt wrote: 
> Just speaking for myself, I was MUCH different in my 20's and early 30's than 
> later. Between the ages of 18 and 34,

I'll totally agree that I was different in my early 20s than my early
30s.  I'm sure more changes will happen in my 40s, although maybe not as
radical.  My wife has changed too though since I first met her at 18.
People change in general.

I've also had to re-combat my attitude in e-mail over the years like I
was a teenager again.  At the same time, I don't think I'll ever drop my
approach on some things -- in-person or on-line -- and those are the
differences that I'll always have.  They are me.  They are part of what
my wife loves about me too.  I just have to refine them into leadership,
which I've always recognized.

If there was ever an epiphany in my life, it was around age 15.  I would
say that has been the defining point in my life, and everything else has
been a refinement of that.

On Thu, 2008-02-14 at 23:44 -0500, Steve Litt wrote: 
> there was no way I was going to settle down, and no way any woman on
> earth would have settled down with me.  After 34, I was willing to
> give up some of my wilder habits in order to actually hang out with
> someone I loved, and 5 years after that I met Sylvia, and the rest
> is history.

Are you so sure?  I've asked myself this over a thousand times.  What if
I had not met my wife for 5, 10 or even 15 years later (sidestepping the
fact of "never," which I don't want to ever think about ;)?  What would
be different?  Would she still have stayed with me?

Seriously, what if you had met Sylvia in your 20s?  Do you think it
wouldn't have worked out?  Do you think you would have not been able to
resist her charm?  Hell, I've only met her a few times and even she had
me tranced a bit.  My wife liked her very much as well.

I think Hollywood has skewed most of the reality.  I'm not talking the
simple stuff, but even the complex stuff.  Reality is very much stranger
than fiction, and that's a good thing.

On Thu, 2008-02-14 at 23:44 -0500, Steve Litt wrote: 
> Perhaps Geeks reach a life transition in their late 20's or early
> 30's, after which they get married and settle down.

I disagree with the analysis you made there.  I don't think it's limited
to geeks.  Maybe some people aren't ready for marriage in their 20s, and
they "give up" too easily on many things.  By their 30s, they realize
life is life, and they're missing out on many things that seem to be
important to others.  That I will see you on.

My wife and I both each tried to "break it off" in just the first month
we were together.  Trust me, you've never seen a 20 year-old ball like a
2 year-old than when my wife (to be) tried to break it off early on (I'm
not kidding, quite a sight in a Winn-Dixie parking lot at the time! ;).
God knows the "D" word has flown about a few too many times.  My
marriage is hardly the one I'd hold up as an example of anything, or my
life for that matter.

But I sometimes think when people talk about the "7 year itch," it's
really a question of their age more than the marriage.  In your 20s,
you're indestructible, you're untouchable, you're "The [Wo]Man!"

By your 30s, you've got too many regrets to count.  It's not that you're
going to stop doing things you regret, it's that you're going to start
avoiding more of them.  And you quickly realize it's not that you've
changed, but you've realized you can't change.

You have to make do with all you have built for yourself, good and bad,
which is really not bad.  You also realize you find comfort in your
uniqueness and difference, and conformity and popularity are over-rated.
In reality, it's just the evolution of your life, and not really
discrete "ages" of 20s or 30s, but just that word you never fully
understood prior ...

"Elder"  ;)

At least that is my view as a "middle aged" man now.  ;)


On Fri, 2008-02-15 at 00:52 -0500, Jason Boxman wrote:
> You'll notice they're a different breed than your typical *nix geek,
> though, having been to several meetings.

We all come from different backgrounds.  In our search for difference,
we often overlook our commonality -- even from those who seem so
different.

Today, I look like a fat geek.  I'm proud of it (other than maybe my
health).

People used to think I was a jock.  Others used to think I was a snobby
"all businesss, all about the money" Republican.  And yet I was still
the Computer Club president in high school.  Yes, at one time in high
school I was a three (3) athlete (including those alleged "not
compatible with being a geek" sports like Football) while being
president of both the Business and Computer clubs, as well as active in
a couple of official social organizations.

Even more confounding to people were my girlfriends.  I really didn't
care what people thought of my girlfriends, their "approval" was hardly
needed.  As a friend ask it once, "How do you go from dating a
cheerleader to the biggest geek in the school and then back?"  And I
always put it, "Because they realized I didn't care what others think,
and that's what matters."

Most people I meet today from high school are shocked that I majored in
engineering, not business, and didn't marry a couple of different women
from high school.  In all honesty, not to minimize any relationships
before my wife, I wish I would have met my wife much sooner in my life.
And everyone gets a kick out of how much weight I've gained!  ;)

We are all different over our lives.  We all change.  Some people stay
compatible in those changes.  Some don't.  It's not a contest.  It's not
a race for status.  People who are married 50 years are no better than
those married more than 5 times.

Happiness with your life or at least your life's choices are all that
matter.  By age 15 I learned that trying to define my happiness in what
others thought of me wasn't going to get me far in life.  And that
included what my mother thought of myself, which was harder to do than
anything else.

In all honesty, I think that's when I was ready for marriage.  Yes, I
may have divorced.  God knows my current wife and I probably came too
close a couple of times.  But what matters is not what they show in
movies, it's not about blame or hurt, it's about comfort, compatibility
and understanding.

If anything, that's high school or college sweethearts work out or they
don't.  Once all the social support that was build around them is
removed, they are left with just each other.  And those who build their
relationships on doubt by others, are the ones that learn early on to
deal with and support one another.

By age 15, I learned to take criticisms of my choice in women as a
complement.  I learned to take all sorts of criticism as a complement.
Sometimes it's worked out negatively for myself, but many times it's
been how I've gone my own way.  My wife has had the same trials too.


-- 
Bryan J  Smith              Professional, Technical Annoyance
mailto:b.j.smith at ieee.org  http://www.linkedin.com/in/bjsmith
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